Yo Momma

Once I was in a room with a pretty awful human being in a very expensive town house in Manhattan's Upper East Side while "Date My Mom" played on the flatscreen television mounted on the wall. With equal parts disgust and apathy I commented, "How is this actually a show?" The horrible little devil who I was sharing airspace with turned sharply and spat, "You just don't understand your generation" before continuing work on the small fetus she was muching on.

At the time I found this quite insulting, but having just caught the last ten minutes of (Executive Producer) Wilmer "That Mexican Guy" Valderrama's new yo-momma-joke-centric MTV show "Yo Momma," I can say without pause, that my generation (if it is indeed my generation that is the "cause and most cursed effect" of such a horror) is the worst thing to happen to mankind since Hitler decided to "take a detour." Truly, I cannot begin to express the depths of my regret for playing some unwitting part in the creation of the monstrosity.

In an attempt to up their credibility, the New York Times put out a brilliant piece of journalism titled "Talkin Trash With Wilmer Valderamma." In the article (written by very legitimate journalist Lola Ogunnaike), Wilmer describes his desire to "keep growing as an entertainer, keep challenging myself." Wilmer continued, "I'm really focusing on the next chapter of my life," he said. Apparently the next chapter of his life will also involve a candid camera-style show set at the Wailing Wall.

According to the article, the idea came to Wilmer one night while watching 2001's Freddie Prinze, Jr. epic, "Summer Catch." Inspiration struck Wilmer (why couldn't it have been a truck?) during a scene in which two jocks exchange "yo mamma" insults. Quoth the Valderrama: "One of the guys said, 'Your mother's so fat that when she wears heels she drills oil,' " he recalled. "And I immediately thought, what if we can find that one clowner in every group, the smack talker, and show him at work?"

Enter Rod Aissa, MTV's Senior VP of Talent and Series Development who had been chasing the Wilmer ever since he first learned that MTV focus groups repeatedly showed Wilmer as being what the people wanted. And by people I mean Nazis. And the devil. Says Dr. Aissa: "It's what kids do, and it's what I did as a kid," he said, recalling the time when dissing a friend's mother earned him a playground beat-down. "Everyone will be able to relate to this show because almost everyone has told a 'yo momma' joke at some point in their life." But what Mr. Aissa did not reveal in the article is that he believes, "People also learn how to suck the soul out of another human through the nasal passages...it looks like you're kissing them, but you're really killing their insides."

So anyway, long story short, if you tune in to this brain child, you get to hear quips like these: "You're so ugly even Colin Farrell wouldn't sleep with you"; "Your momma is so fat she jumped into the Grand Canyon and got stuck"; "Your momma's ears are so big she uses 20-inch rims as studs." Oh snap!

Towards the end of the article, which is bound to receive lots of national writing awards, Lola gets the dirt on what we're all really wondering about: Is Wilmer currently dating anyone? "If it comes, it's welcomed," he said. "But I'm not looking." Oh...my...god! How did that SLUT Lindsay Lohan ever break up with him? If it were me I'd pull her hair.

Alright, so what do we do about this? I for one am at a loss, but if the dissenter's route is to become an expatriate, then I must learn to escape my generation by BREAKING THE FABRIC OF SPACE AND TIME.

Truly, watching Wilmer conferencing with the likes of Chingy and co. while standing in what looks like a left-over set from "You Got Served" judging, yes, JUDGING, "Yo Mamma" jokes must be one of the greatest joys I have known, right up there with watching the extra features on the DVD of "Riding the Bus With My Sister." The show is so bad it makes me want to bathe in every gay episode of "Date My Mom" while perfuming myself with Paris Hilton's bile.

The participants just look uncomfortable exchanging insults derrived from their third grade playgrounds (or prison yards) and even moreso when the family members are brought onstage to act as targets for variations of the "Yo Momma" theme. It's like "Whose Line" for people who have undergone operations to replace their brain with still born babies. Absolutely astonishing. Best of all, the winner gets $1000, a prize slightly higher on the impressive scan than Dance 360's grand Xbox 360 (although I think the 360 also gives out some cash too, making Yo Momma even sadder).


MTV, please get AIDS.