Katie Couric to Join WWE, The Undertaker Courted for Morning Television.

In what is quickly becoming a bidding war between the three major networks (NBC, ABC, Lifetime), Katie Couric has announced plans to leave the "Today" show in order to pursue a career in professional wrestling. Since last August, when Ms. Couric made public her plans to leave, industry insiders questioned who would replace the decorated morning show veteran (two Purple Hearts, one Medal of Honor, BS in interior design from Phoenix University). Around the same time, WWE superstar The Undertaker began filling in as weatherman/funnyman Al Roker's replacement. Now, in a bizarre example of art imitating life imitating wrestling stars filling in for funny weathermen, Mr. Taker is being courted by several of the major networks in an attempt to draw the same kinds of figures brought in by Mr. Taker's "Today Show" appearances. "I really hope we can continue bringing fans the same kind of journalistic integrity and pleasant man-on-the-street segments they have come to know and love," said Jeffrey McHale, "Today" executive producer. "I also hope that we can get a really cool slow-motion shot of The Undertaker jumping through a plate glass window. You know, like in The Matrix." But The Today Show isn't the only program seeking to nab Mr. Taker. Said Lifetime VP of programming Lisa Katz, "Our core demographic has grown saggy from age and too many of the same old program. We hope the addition of The Undertaker will give us a boost in the ratings, as well as in our demographic's collective caboose." Rounding out the bids is ABC President, Michael Ropus: "If it weren't for the fact that my wife was dying, I'd have an affair." Now that's entertainment! And as for Mr. Taker? When asked to comment, he simply grabbed this reporter by the neck, lifted him high above the ground, and brought the faliling writer down at astonishing speeds upon his knee, shattering his spine. Love him or hate him, he sure is strong!