Hello, My Name Is Wilmer...durr...durr...

Oh snap, fools, just finished watching the latest episode of "Yo Momma"!!!!!!!!

While reading "The Tempest" I realized it was time for Wilmer TV and angrily hurled the Bard's work against the wall and cursed his name: "You're nothing! Why couldn't you have written 'Yo Momma'?? I hate you Shakespeare!"

Honestly, I really am at my wits' end. To call the show bad just seems lazy.

Tonight's episode (alright, it may not have been the latest, but it's news to me) featured the four finalists from this week's episodes. It culminated in a speed round that made me contemplate punching a hole in a window, inserted my head in the shattered opening, and scraping my neck across the broken circle.

I think the producers tell Wilmer to look incredibly surprised after every "joke" is told. Either that, or he's having many strokes each episode. I tried to find pictures of such a face, but Satan has exclusive rights over all media related to the show.

Also, file this under "Kill Me Now" but the editor is clearly using the same MVP 04 "crowd cheer" sound effect to supplement the blood-thirsty crowd's cries for more hilarity, wit, and instant death.

From the 11:30 airing of the ENGLEWOOD BATTLE:

I eagerly awaited the appearance of my beloved Wilmer (he's a genius), but instead was greeted by the sight of one of his lesser minions. He boldly stepped up in the middle of a conveniently gathered crowd of ne'r-do-well looking types and proclaimed "Alright, y'all, I'm looking for delivery, quickness, sting...who thinks they got the legs to stand up for Englewood?" The lemmings cheered. First was Henry vs. Allen.

Now I'm not sure about this, but I thought TV shows cost money to produce. Now if this is true (the jury is still out...for example, "Lost" is funded by the Make-a-Wish Foundation, so does that actually count?) and we're going to call "Yo Momma" a TV show, we can probably assume that its budget is on the lower end of things (somewhere between, say, a condom commercial and The Andy Milonakis Show), we can estimate that each episode of "Yo Momma" costs, say, $10,000. Keep that in mind when reading the excerpts below.

Henry: Your breath so stinky, it smells you ate some ass chips.

Allen: You remind me of my uncle: drunk.

Allen: Yo momma so fat, she sweat meatloaf juice. Come on. I mean, come on.

$10,000 spent on this. Every time a little Rwandan AIDS baby cries out in the middle of the night, I want an MTV producer to smack the baby with one of Ashton's trucker hats, haul in a massive HDTV (of course he'll have to run an extension cord from the village's only power outlet...they can pick up the bill later) and make the baby watch an episode of "Yo Momma." Then while the baby watches the show/dies, the producer can lecture the African mother, also dying of AIDS, on why Wilmer's show NEEDS to stay on the air at $10,000 a pop. I think the villagers will understand. Now of course I realize that MTV isn't a charity, but I just want to stick it to those Africans using their natural predator: Wilmer Valderrama (he feasts on them, you see).

During the Wilmer-centric huddle, one of the judges expressed concern over a contestant: "I'm just not sure about Alan...some of his jokes didn't seem original...the punchlines were hard to understand." Uh-huh.

Tonight's Englewood episode also featued a Cribs-meets-Room Raiders segment wherein the finalists scout out their opponent's house for "ammo." Like, you know, a funny looking couch, or, you know, shoes. I pray that one of them finds a gun, brings it to the final "head to head" and kills everyone before turning the gun on himself only to find that he's out of ammo, leaving him to wander the Earth a fugitive zombie, his hunger for "yo momma" jokes growing by the day.*

En garde, ammo: "Your room is so small, it's more like a walk-in closet." Get it? Because he's poor.

Finally:

I'm not sure what to make of this truly disturbing chestnut: "Your momma is like a bowling ball; she's picked up, fu*ked, and thrown in the gutter." Okay, I get the picked up part, integral part of bowling, and I get the gutter reference as it's part of the standard bowling lane. But the middle one? I don't...I mean, surely he doesn't...it would just seem that...I have to go lie down.

Okay, everyone, ready? On three; one, two, THREE!!!

THANK YOU WILMER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!





*Then one night he is kidnapped while shopping for toothpaste. He is never heard from again.