Grancracker #2

These are mostly rough outlines of what we will do live, but the general idea comes across.



THE DAN FLEMING DUO!

INT. A SMALL CLUB. BAGDHAD.

THE AUDIENCE HAS JUST SLAUGHTERED AN INFIDEL.

GREG AND DAN ENTER TO NEAR HYSTERICAL APPLAUSE.



GREG
Thank you, thank you. Thanks be to GOD, y’all! Am I right?
DAN
Whatever, Greg, ya big sack of crap! How’s everybody doing tonight?!
THE AUDIENCE WHOOS IT UP.
GREG
That’s just super! My name is Greg...
DAN
And I’m Dan!
GREG
And we are...
GREG (CONT'D)
...Grancracker
DAN
...The Dan Fleming Duo starring, me, Dan Fleming!
A PAUSE. GREG STARES AT DAN WHILE DAN MILKS THE APPLAUSE.
GREG
What was that?
DAN
I just--nothing--I just said the name of the group. What we call ourselves.
GREG
Right, which is...
DAN
(mumble)
The Dan Fleming Duo starring, Me, Dan Fleming.
GREG
What is that supposed to be? Like a bit? Like you’re doing this thing that’s funny? We’re called Grancracker. Like Dan and Greg combined is Gran...
DAN
Is that what that means? I was never clear on that.
GREG
Yes, that is what it means. Grancracker. Not the Dan Fleming Duo--what is that?
DAN
Alright, look, Greg, I didn’t want to say anything, but the other members of the group and I were talking this over and we decided that the Dan Fleming Duo has more of a ring to it. People respond more to my name and likeness.
GREG
The rest of the group said that? Was it a majority?
DAN
Unanimous. Twenty votes to none.
GREG
Seriously? They prefer you over me?
DAN
Big time. The entire cast.
GREG
Well how come I didn’t get to vote?
DAN
It was at our last meeting, which you conveniently missed.
GREG
I had to go to a funeral.
DAN
You snooze you lose my friend. Anyway, look, it’s not such a big deal. Come on, just go with it.
GREG
But I’m really not comfortable with this...
DAN
Greg--I didn’t want it to come to this, but if you don’t shut your mouth, you’re out. And if you’re out, I’m out because God knows you can’t have a duo with one person. One person?! Jesus Christ, Greg, think of others for once in your life! I can’t do this show alone!
GREG
Alright, fine, just...jeez...just relax. I’ll try it, okay?
DAN
Okay. Now, that being said, you’re going to have to do the show alone from now on.
GREG
What? Why?
DAN
Eh, a bunch of reasons. I don’t want to bore you with the details. I’m just not, you know, feeling this anymore. Us.
GREG
But I don’t want to do the show alone!
DAN
Greg, it’ll be fine. I’ll be just over here in the audience. Watching. I mean I gotta keep an eye on my investment am I right? From now on I’ll be taking most of what we make. You can have any change that’s left over.
GREG
Dan--
DAN
Greg, not another word. Thanks to that promiscuous immigrant I live with, Dan now gets to pay child support. When you impregnate an immigrant who works at a laundromat, then you can start getting your rightful share of the paycheck.
GREG
(sullen)
Fine...
DAN
(producing papers)
Okay, glad to see you’re coming around. I just need you to initial here and here.
GREG
What’s this?
DAN
It’s your contract for the Dan Fleming Players. You want to be part of the company, you gotta sign it.
GREG
Did you sign it?
DAN
I’m the company director. I don’t need to sign it. I wrote it.
GREG
What’s it say?
DAN
Oh, just stuff about your liquid assets, confidentiality. That sort of thing. Oh, you might want to wait until after you speak to your loved ones to sign it because once you do they are OUT of your life. As in for good.
GREG
Well that seems fair I guess.
DAN
Great. And hey, just pop this collar on will you?
DAN ADJUSTS A ROPE AROUND GREG’S NECK.
GREG
Well--
DAN
Great. Let’s just test it...
DAN YANKS THE ROPE, GREG NEARLY VOMITS.
DAN (CONT'D)
Perfect. (to audience) It’s about establishing dominance. (to Greg) All set, Greg?
GREG
Yeah, I guess so.
DAN YANKS ROPE.
GREG (CONT'D)
(feebly)
I mean, YEAH, let’s do this!
DAN
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, The Dan Fleming Duo, Starring, Me, Dan Fleming!
DAN EXITS THE STAGE. GREG IS LEFT ALONE IN FRONT OF THE MIC.
GREG
Hi, there. Uh, how’s everyone doing tonight? My name is Greg White--
DAN PULLS ROPE. GREG WINCES.
GREG (CONT'D)
--Dan Fleming, and I am just really, really excited to be here. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Does anyone have a cell phone they could call the cops with? (audience laughs?) No, please stop it--don’t laugh. I think I was drugged before the show... (more laughter)
DAN
Greg, enough pussy footing! Make with the jokes! What an idiot! Am I right folks?
GREG
Alright. Uh, did you guys ever notice how when you’re kidnapped by a cult leader, and you make a suicide pact, how the leader’s always the last one to die? Sounds more like a follower to me.
DAN
(off stage)
A little too close to home, not really that funny! Try something about cats!
GREG
Uh, I don’t know any...
DAN HANDS GREG A CARD.
DAN
Here, read this.
GREG
(reading)
<<<
“A woman telephoned a veterinarian and asked him to come examine her cat. "I don't know what's wrong with her," the woman told him. "She looks as if she's going to have kittens, but that's impossible. She's never been out of the house except for when I had her on a leash." The vet examined the cat and said there was no question about her pregnancy.
"But she can't be," protested the woman. "It's impossible."
At that point a large tom cat emerged from under the sofa.
"How about him?" asked the vet.
"Don't be silly," answered the woman. "That's her brother.">>>
DAN LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY.
DAN
That was awesome! Do another!
GREG
I don’t really think--
DAN YANKS CHAIN FURIOUSLY.
DAN
DO IT, CAT MAN!
GREG
Oh, God, I just want to go home!
DAN
Read!
GREG
Why do, um, cats like Mozart? Because it’s meow-sic to their---
DAN COMES CHARGING ON STAGE. UPSTAGES GREG.
DAN
You are worthless, Greg! I am fantastic! You can’t trust anyone except me!
GREG
I just want to go home...
DAN
Everybody thank you so much! I’ve been Dan Fleming, you’ve been great!
DAN SHOVES GREG OFF STAGE.
END