Grancracker #1

This is the first routine we will perform under the name Grancracker. The formatting is whacky because of the copy and paste from FD, but guess what? DEAL WITH IT! (edgy!)



DAN’S WIFE DIES


INT. CLUB
WE ENTER TO RIOTOUS APPLAUSE. WE DO THE STOIC WAVE. WE EXIT. WE RE-ENTER.


DAN
Hi there everybody! I’m Dan!
GREG
And I’m Greg!
DAN
Give it up for us, everyone!
PAUSE FOR APPLAUSE.
DAN (CONT'D)
It’s great to be here, really it is, nothing like being in love in New York City, am I right people?
GREG
He doesn’t mean me. We’re not--you know...like that.
DAN
Oh, gosh, not at all! Nice catch there, Greg!
DAN MIMES THROWING A FOOTBALL, GREG MIMES CATCHING IT. WE HIGH-FIVE AND THEN HAVE AN EXTENDED HUG.
GREG
That was platonic people, it was not a gay hug. Get your minds out of the gutter, alright?
DAN
As a matter of fact, I’m so not gay that I actually got married last month.
GREG APPLAUDS, AUDIENCE APPLAUDS.
GREG
How is the old ball and chain these days Dan?
DAN
Oh, she’s just great.
GREG
How great is she Dan?
DAN
Greg, she’s so great.
GREG
That’s wonderful, bro. I’m really happy for you.
GREG RESISTS THE MANLY BRO-URGE TO HUG DAN.
DAN
Although I’ll tell you folks, it’s not easy being married. Anyone in this room married?
THE MONKEYS CLAP IN RESPONSE.
DAN (CONT'D)
Alright, so you people will know what I’m talking about.
GREG
Not me. I am alone. Every night I return, alone, to the deafening silence that is my life and wait for death to take me. But go on, Dan, please. Tell everyone about how happy you are.
DAN
Uh, alright. Where was I? Oh, right, I was saying, I never realized how weird it would be to share a bathroom with a woman, let alone one that I have sex with.
GREG
Oh, so is that why you missed rehearsal last week? Too busy plowing the wife doggy style to help Greg write some jokes?
DAN
Greg? This really is not the time. Not cool man. Just calm down.
GREG
You’re right, I’m sorry. I’m happy for you bro! You’re the man!
DAN
Okay, let me just finish the bit, alright?
GREG
Yeah, absolutely. I’m sorry, go ahead.
AS DAN TALKS, GREG DRAWS ON A PIECE OF POSTER BOARD.
DAN
Okay, so folks, how weird is it when you’re talking to your wife after having sex, you’re both in bed, you know, panting, naked, saying how wonderful the other person was, when all of the sudden your wife or partner or whatever you want to call her, gets up and says, “I have to poop.” So I’m lying there, you know, just getting my second wind back after having great married sex, and the next thing you know, I hear . And it’s always that little sort of mousey plopping poop. Is my wife not getting enough fiber? And they never close the door. It’s always, “But I feel so comfortable with you...” and of course you don’t want to say anything because once you acknowledge that comfort level, it becomes a conscious effort to maintain it and--
DAN NOTICES GREG DRAWING. HE HAS DRAWN A CRUDE SKETCH OF DAN’S WIFE.
DAN (CONT'D)
Greg, what are you doing?
GREG
Oh, this? It’s a picture of that wedge between us. What’s thdges name? Dana?
DAN
Yes, my wife’s name is Dana, Greg, and I’d appreciate it if you showed a little respect.
GREG
(to audience)
See? This is her, with hairy armpits, eating garbage. She’s saying, “I’m a real stupid whore.” What is that, Dan, she doesn’t close the door? What is she an animal? Who doesn’t close the door?
DAN
Greg, you know what? That is really inappropriate. I think if you spent some time with Dana you might actually like her.
GREG
Well to be honest I just wish we could go back to the old days where it was just you and me and you didn’t have this ball and chain to deal with. It’s like you’re always busy with her and there’s no time for me.
DAN
Well, Greg, you’re going to have to learn to deal with this because we just found out the other day that Dana’s pregnant. With twins.
GREG
What?! Dan, that is not okay. You’re gonna be like a million times more busy! When are they due?
DAN
Not for another 9 months, she just got pregnant last week.
GREG
Do you want to keep them?
DAN
What? Of course! Greg, I love Dana and I’m sorry that doesn’t fit in with your rehearsal schedule. Maybe it’s time we both go our separate ways.
GREG
Did Dana put you up to this?
DAN
What? No! I’m just saying--
GREG
Because if she did--that is so not cool!
DAN
Greg, you know what, we have an audience here, why don’t we just finish our bit and talk about this later? Okay?
WE CALM DOWN, GAIN OUR COMPOSURE.
DAN (CONT'D)
Sorry about that folks, so as I was saying--
DAN IS INTERRUPTED BY HIS CELL PHONE.
DAN (CONT'D)
Goddamnit! I thought I turned this off.
DAN ANSWERS HIS PHONE.
DAN (CONT'D)
Hello? Yeah... Who-- What?! When? (ad lib this bit) NO!!!!
DAN DROPS PHONE HORRIFIED. HE COLLAPSES TO FLOOR, HYSTERICAL, CARRIES ON, ETC., ETC.
GREG
Who was that?
DAN
There’s been an accident. Dana was hit head on by a garbage truck...she’s dead.
GREG KICKS DRAWING ASIDE. RESISTS THE URGE TO CELEBRATE. SMALL FIST PUMP SNEAKS BY.
GREG
Oh, Dan. I am so, so sorry.
DAN
(lost)
My whole world is gone...
GREG
(motioning to the two of them)
Well, not all is lost...
A BEAT.
GREG (CONT'D)
Well, you know what they say about having loved.
ANOTHER BEAT.
GREG (CONT'D)
Well, the show must go on! C’mon, Dan, get up.
DAN IS JUST A MESS.
GREG (CONT'D)
Dan, come on, we have a show to do.
DAN
GREG! MY WIFE JUST DIED! MY CHILDREN! Oh god!
DAN CHOKES BACK VOMIT.
GREG
Dan, I don’t think the audience wants to watch you act like a faggot. C’mon, let’s just finish the act, then we’ll hit the DQ. Come on. It’s what Dana would have wanted.
DAN
(sucking it up)
You’re right. She knew that this was important to me. The least I can do is finish the act.
GREG
Thatta boy. Go for it.
DAN’S SPEECH IS BROKEN UP BY GIANT SOBS AND CHOKES.
DAN
(a mess)
So, didja ever notice how women complain if you leave the seat up, but then when you leave the seat down she gets angry because there is pee on it? Or what’s the deal with women never being on time? They should--they should make a watch for women that is 3 hours ahead, so that by the time they actually finish getting ready to go out, they’re on time.
GREG
That’s real good, Dan. Keep going.
DAN
(a bigger mess than before)
One more thing, before we go. Women are the absolute worst drivers...am I right? Every time my wife gets behind the wheel of the car (struggling to finish) it’s like, Hey, honey, you know what? I think I’ll walk...
DAN CANNOT GO ON.
GREG
(cheery)
Okay, Dan. Nice job! Folks, we want to thank you so much! I’m going to go get my pal cleaned up and then someone’s getting taken out for a big ice-cream cone! Goodnight!
GREG HELPS DAN AMBLE OFF STAGE.
MORE RIOTOUS APPLAUSE.