Topo

The Topo pilot is coming along quite nicely. Given that I am extremely paranoid and very proud of this series, I am waiting until I register it with WGAw. Also, I play a lot of tennis and golf these days, so I'm not really into a lot of typing.

What I will say is this: A race of aliens who all look like Ted Danson plan a hostile invasion of planet Earth by brainwashing our population via Kosmonaut Kitty's Karnival, a new and very popular televison series that replaces The Topo Show after Topo, an extremely famous celebrity chihuahua, is accused of murder.

More to come shortly.

God is Dead and We Are Alone...

From a Times article discussing Katie Couric taking over the show at CBS comes this horrifying report. Behold, the horsemen!

When Elizabeth Hasselbeck, the Zeppo Marx of the foursome, said she donned a bathing suit to take a bath with her baby daughter, Ms. O’Donnell went wide-eyed at her prudery, and recalled that when she took a more natural bath with her daughter, the child asked, “When do I get my fur?”



http://www.nytimes.com/2006/09/06/arts/television/05cnd-watch.html?hp&ex=1157515200&en=a92eaa5b1e0cba1b&ei=5094&partner=homepage

Grancracker #2

These are mostly rough outlines of what we will do live, but the general idea comes across.



THE DAN FLEMING DUO!

INT. A SMALL CLUB. BAGDHAD.

THE AUDIENCE HAS JUST SLAUGHTERED AN INFIDEL.

GREG AND DAN ENTER TO NEAR HYSTERICAL APPLAUSE.



GREG
Thank you, thank you. Thanks be to GOD, y’all! Am I right?
DAN
Whatever, Greg, ya big sack of crap! How’s everybody doing tonight?!
THE AUDIENCE WHOOS IT UP.
GREG
That’s just super! My name is Greg...
DAN
And I’m Dan!
GREG
And we are...
GREG (CONT'D)
...Grancracker
DAN
...The Dan Fleming Duo starring, me, Dan Fleming!
A PAUSE. GREG STARES AT DAN WHILE DAN MILKS THE APPLAUSE.
GREG
What was that?
DAN
I just--nothing--I just said the name of the group. What we call ourselves.
GREG
Right, which is...
DAN
(mumble)
The Dan Fleming Duo starring, Me, Dan Fleming.
GREG
What is that supposed to be? Like a bit? Like you’re doing this thing that’s funny? We’re called Grancracker. Like Dan and Greg combined is Gran...
DAN
Is that what that means? I was never clear on that.
GREG
Yes, that is what it means. Grancracker. Not the Dan Fleming Duo--what is that?
DAN
Alright, look, Greg, I didn’t want to say anything, but the other members of the group and I were talking this over and we decided that the Dan Fleming Duo has more of a ring to it. People respond more to my name and likeness.
GREG
The rest of the group said that? Was it a majority?
DAN
Unanimous. Twenty votes to none.
GREG
Seriously? They prefer you over me?
DAN
Big time. The entire cast.
GREG
Well how come I didn’t get to vote?
DAN
It was at our last meeting, which you conveniently missed.
GREG
I had to go to a funeral.
DAN
You snooze you lose my friend. Anyway, look, it’s not such a big deal. Come on, just go with it.
GREG
But I’m really not comfortable with this...
DAN
Greg--I didn’t want it to come to this, but if you don’t shut your mouth, you’re out. And if you’re out, I’m out because God knows you can’t have a duo with one person. One person?! Jesus Christ, Greg, think of others for once in your life! I can’t do this show alone!
GREG
Alright, fine, just...jeez...just relax. I’ll try it, okay?
DAN
Okay. Now, that being said, you’re going to have to do the show alone from now on.
GREG
What? Why?
DAN
Eh, a bunch of reasons. I don’t want to bore you with the details. I’m just not, you know, feeling this anymore. Us.
GREG
But I don’t want to do the show alone!
DAN
Greg, it’ll be fine. I’ll be just over here in the audience. Watching. I mean I gotta keep an eye on my investment am I right? From now on I’ll be taking most of what we make. You can have any change that’s left over.
GREG
Dan--
DAN
Greg, not another word. Thanks to that promiscuous immigrant I live with, Dan now gets to pay child support. When you impregnate an immigrant who works at a laundromat, then you can start getting your rightful share of the paycheck.
GREG
(sullen)
Fine...
DAN
(producing papers)
Okay, glad to see you’re coming around. I just need you to initial here and here.
GREG
What’s this?
DAN
It’s your contract for the Dan Fleming Players. You want to be part of the company, you gotta sign it.
GREG
Did you sign it?
DAN
I’m the company director. I don’t need to sign it. I wrote it.
GREG
What’s it say?
DAN
Oh, just stuff about your liquid assets, confidentiality. That sort of thing. Oh, you might want to wait until after you speak to your loved ones to sign it because once you do they are OUT of your life. As in for good.
GREG
Well that seems fair I guess.
DAN
Great. And hey, just pop this collar on will you?
DAN ADJUSTS A ROPE AROUND GREG’S NECK.
GREG
Well--
DAN
Great. Let’s just test it...
DAN YANKS THE ROPE, GREG NEARLY VOMITS.
DAN (CONT'D)
Perfect. (to audience) It’s about establishing dominance. (to Greg) All set, Greg?
GREG
Yeah, I guess so.
DAN YANKS ROPE.
GREG (CONT'D)
(feebly)
I mean, YEAH, let’s do this!
DAN
Okay, ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage, The Dan Fleming Duo, Starring, Me, Dan Fleming!
DAN EXITS THE STAGE. GREG IS LEFT ALONE IN FRONT OF THE MIC.
GREG
Hi, there. Uh, how’s everyone doing tonight? My name is Greg White--
DAN PULLS ROPE. GREG WINCES.
GREG (CONT'D)
--Dan Fleming, and I am just really, really excited to be here. We’ve got a great show for you tonight. Does anyone have a cell phone they could call the cops with? (audience laughs?) No, please stop it--don’t laugh. I think I was drugged before the show... (more laughter)
DAN
Greg, enough pussy footing! Make with the jokes! What an idiot! Am I right folks?
GREG
Alright. Uh, did you guys ever notice how when you’re kidnapped by a cult leader, and you make a suicide pact, how the leader’s always the last one to die? Sounds more like a follower to me.
DAN
(off stage)
A little too close to home, not really that funny! Try something about cats!
GREG
Uh, I don’t know any...
DAN HANDS GREG A CARD.
DAN
Here, read this.
GREG
(reading)
<<<
“A woman telephoned a veterinarian and asked him to come examine her cat. "I don't know what's wrong with her," the woman told him. "She looks as if she's going to have kittens, but that's impossible. She's never been out of the house except for when I had her on a leash." The vet examined the cat and said there was no question about her pregnancy.
"But she can't be," protested the woman. "It's impossible."
At that point a large tom cat emerged from under the sofa.
"How about him?" asked the vet.
"Don't be silly," answered the woman. "That's her brother.">>>
DAN LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY.
DAN
That was awesome! Do another!
GREG
I don’t really think--
DAN YANKS CHAIN FURIOUSLY.
DAN
DO IT, CAT MAN!
GREG
Oh, God, I just want to go home!
DAN
Read!
GREG
Why do, um, cats like Mozart? Because it’s meow-sic to their---
DAN COMES CHARGING ON STAGE. UPSTAGES GREG.
DAN
You are worthless, Greg! I am fantastic! You can’t trust anyone except me!
GREG
I just want to go home...
DAN
Everybody thank you so much! I’ve been Dan Fleming, you’ve been great!
DAN SHOVES GREG OFF STAGE.
END

Grancracker #1

This is the first routine we will perform under the name Grancracker. The formatting is whacky because of the copy and paste from FD, but guess what? DEAL WITH IT! (edgy!)



DAN’S WIFE DIES


INT. CLUB
WE ENTER TO RIOTOUS APPLAUSE. WE DO THE STOIC WAVE. WE EXIT. WE RE-ENTER.


DAN
Hi there everybody! I’m Dan!
GREG
And I’m Greg!
DAN
Give it up for us, everyone!
PAUSE FOR APPLAUSE.
DAN (CONT'D)
It’s great to be here, really it is, nothing like being in love in New York City, am I right people?
GREG
He doesn’t mean me. We’re not--you know...like that.
DAN
Oh, gosh, not at all! Nice catch there, Greg!
DAN MIMES THROWING A FOOTBALL, GREG MIMES CATCHING IT. WE HIGH-FIVE AND THEN HAVE AN EXTENDED HUG.
GREG
That was platonic people, it was not a gay hug. Get your minds out of the gutter, alright?
DAN
As a matter of fact, I’m so not gay that I actually got married last month.
GREG APPLAUDS, AUDIENCE APPLAUDS.
GREG
How is the old ball and chain these days Dan?
DAN
Oh, she’s just great.
GREG
How great is she Dan?
DAN
Greg, she’s so great.
GREG
That’s wonderful, bro. I’m really happy for you.
GREG RESISTS THE MANLY BRO-URGE TO HUG DAN.
DAN
Although I’ll tell you folks, it’s not easy being married. Anyone in this room married?
THE MONKEYS CLAP IN RESPONSE.
DAN (CONT'D)
Alright, so you people will know what I’m talking about.
GREG
Not me. I am alone. Every night I return, alone, to the deafening silence that is my life and wait for death to take me. But go on, Dan, please. Tell everyone about how happy you are.
DAN
Uh, alright. Where was I? Oh, right, I was saying, I never realized how weird it would be to share a bathroom with a woman, let alone one that I have sex with.
GREG
Oh, so is that why you missed rehearsal last week? Too busy plowing the wife doggy style to help Greg write some jokes?
DAN
Greg? This really is not the time. Not cool man. Just calm down.
GREG
You’re right, I’m sorry. I’m happy for you bro! You’re the man!
DAN
Okay, let me just finish the bit, alright?
GREG
Yeah, absolutely. I’m sorry, go ahead.
AS DAN TALKS, GREG DRAWS ON A PIECE OF POSTER BOARD.
DAN
Okay, so folks, how weird is it when you’re talking to your wife after having sex, you’re both in bed, you know, panting, naked, saying how wonderful the other person was, when all of the sudden your wife or partner or whatever you want to call her, gets up and says, “I have to poop.” So I’m lying there, you know, just getting my second wind back after having great married sex, and the next thing you know, I hear . And it’s always that little sort of mousey plopping poop. Is my wife not getting enough fiber? And they never close the door. It’s always, “But I feel so comfortable with you...” and of course you don’t want to say anything because once you acknowledge that comfort level, it becomes a conscious effort to maintain it and--
DAN NOTICES GREG DRAWING. HE HAS DRAWN A CRUDE SKETCH OF DAN’S WIFE.
DAN (CONT'D)
Greg, what are you doing?
GREG
Oh, this? It’s a picture of that wedge between us. What’s thdges name? Dana?
DAN
Yes, my wife’s name is Dana, Greg, and I’d appreciate it if you showed a little respect.
GREG
(to audience)
See? This is her, with hairy armpits, eating garbage. She’s saying, “I’m a real stupid whore.” What is that, Dan, she doesn’t close the door? What is she an animal? Who doesn’t close the door?
DAN
Greg, you know what? That is really inappropriate. I think if you spent some time with Dana you might actually like her.
GREG
Well to be honest I just wish we could go back to the old days where it was just you and me and you didn’t have this ball and chain to deal with. It’s like you’re always busy with her and there’s no time for me.
DAN
Well, Greg, you’re going to have to learn to deal with this because we just found out the other day that Dana’s pregnant. With twins.
GREG
What?! Dan, that is not okay. You’re gonna be like a million times more busy! When are they due?
DAN
Not for another 9 months, she just got pregnant last week.
GREG
Do you want to keep them?
DAN
What? Of course! Greg, I love Dana and I’m sorry that doesn’t fit in with your rehearsal schedule. Maybe it’s time we both go our separate ways.
GREG
Did Dana put you up to this?
DAN
What? No! I’m just saying--
GREG
Because if she did--that is so not cool!
DAN
Greg, you know what, we have an audience here, why don’t we just finish our bit and talk about this later? Okay?
WE CALM DOWN, GAIN OUR COMPOSURE.
DAN (CONT'D)
Sorry about that folks, so as I was saying--
DAN IS INTERRUPTED BY HIS CELL PHONE.
DAN (CONT'D)
Goddamnit! I thought I turned this off.
DAN ANSWERS HIS PHONE.
DAN (CONT'D)
Hello? Yeah... Who-- What?! When? (ad lib this bit) NO!!!!
DAN DROPS PHONE HORRIFIED. HE COLLAPSES TO FLOOR, HYSTERICAL, CARRIES ON, ETC., ETC.
GREG
Who was that?
DAN
There’s been an accident. Dana was hit head on by a garbage truck...she’s dead.
GREG KICKS DRAWING ASIDE. RESISTS THE URGE TO CELEBRATE. SMALL FIST PUMP SNEAKS BY.
GREG
Oh, Dan. I am so, so sorry.
DAN
(lost)
My whole world is gone...
GREG
(motioning to the two of them)
Well, not all is lost...
A BEAT.
GREG (CONT'D)
Well, you know what they say about having loved.
ANOTHER BEAT.
GREG (CONT'D)
Well, the show must go on! C’mon, Dan, get up.
DAN IS JUST A MESS.
GREG (CONT'D)
Dan, come on, we have a show to do.
DAN
GREG! MY WIFE JUST DIED! MY CHILDREN! Oh god!
DAN CHOKES BACK VOMIT.
GREG
Dan, I don’t think the audience wants to watch you act like a faggot. C’mon, let’s just finish the act, then we’ll hit the DQ. Come on. It’s what Dana would have wanted.
DAN
(sucking it up)
You’re right. She knew that this was important to me. The least I can do is finish the act.
GREG
Thatta boy. Go for it.
DAN’S SPEECH IS BROKEN UP BY GIANT SOBS AND CHOKES.
DAN
(a mess)
So, didja ever notice how women complain if you leave the seat up, but then when you leave the seat down she gets angry because there is pee on it? Or what’s the deal with women never being on time? They should--they should make a watch for women that is 3 hours ahead, so that by the time they actually finish getting ready to go out, they’re on time.
GREG
That’s real good, Dan. Keep going.
DAN
(a bigger mess than before)
One more thing, before we go. Women are the absolute worst drivers...am I right? Every time my wife gets behind the wheel of the car (struggling to finish) it’s like, Hey, honey, you know what? I think I’ll walk...
DAN CANNOT GO ON.
GREG
(cheery)
Okay, Dan. Nice job! Folks, we want to thank you so much! I’m going to go get my pal cleaned up and then someone’s getting taken out for a big ice-cream cone! Goodnight!
GREG HELPS DAN AMBLE OFF STAGE.
MORE RIOTOUS APPLAUSE.