Scabs!

Because I haven't updated this in a while, and because McSweeneys turned it down. Satire!


The Strike Goes On: Sweeps by Scabs


The strike has Hollywood in a state of suspended creativity (not the creativity!). Fortunately, the strike has opened the doors for a host of new writers, brave men and women who fearlessly cross picket lines in the name of quality programming. Below, synopses of their work.


LOST – “Everybody Dies”

Jack uncovers three seasons worth of island secrets and reveals them to the castaways all at once: the island, it turns out, IS pergatory after all, not to mention that Locke is actually an alien sent to monitor Jack et al., by his supreme intergalactic commander: God. As the credits roll, a bomb explodes, killing only the main characters, leaving behind a bunch of confused, underwritten periphery characters.


DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES – “Fool Me Twice”

The red-headed chick learns that the blonde one has been running an underground slave trading ring. She enlists the old one from Superman to catch her in the act. Using a wide range of spy gizmos, Superman girl tracks down blonde girl in Bolivia. A big gun/karate fight ensues and blonde chick is slain. It is ultimately revealed that she was actually black haired chick’s twin. This is the one with Ben Affleck's wife right?

FULL HOUSE – “The Party”

The gang reassembles after Joey has a near-death experience. Danny makes vulgar jokes about the Olsen twins and everyone talks about how awesome the 80s and its various by-products were. There’s even a flashback in which earlier episodes are featured. The whole thing stinks of forced irony.

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A GUANTAMO BAY INMATE?

While primarily a live reality/game show, a few writers are needed to craft host Oscar de la Hoya’s banter with the contestants. Additionally, some pre-taped scripted segments are needed to enhance the homosexual tension between Jill, the single mother of two, and Salwa one of the show’s in-house inmates.


TWO AND A HALF MEN – “The Goof, the Bad and the Duvet”

[No noticeable change in writing.]


CSI: MIAMI - “We’re Gonna Need a Bigger Boat”

After a shark fisherman is found slain on his boat, the CSI team must round up every shark in the greater Miami area. Things get complicated when they are forced to consider one of their own, Sgt. Sharke, as a suspect. Friendships are tested, and a new romance is forged.


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE – Host: Dennis Kucinich

Sketches range from a sassy time-traveling coat once belonging to Søren Kierkegaard, to “Don’t Vibrate for Me Garnagzoola” a musical number involving Kucinich, a UFO, and Andy Samburg as an operatic dildo. A viral sensation is born!

30 ROCK – “Mohammed Mia!”

Liz is confronted by the Arab-American community after a war-on-terror sketch goes hilariously awry. Rachel Dratch guest-stars as a malapropism-prone suicide bomber.


UGLY BETTY – “Ugly Barrista”

Finding corporate life stifling, Betty quits her job in order to write the screenplay she’s always wanted to write. After weeks of procrastinating, she begrudgingly signs up as a barista at Starbucks. While there, she begins attending a writers’ workshop taught by a handsome college professor. Her screenplay is ultimately accepted into a minor LA screenwriting competition, however she is unable to attend the awards ceremony due to a frothed-milk burn.