Delicious TV

Jaffy Simpson sits in his trailer on the outskirts of the Utah desert. From his grimy couch he can see Devil's Armchair and other rock formations.

Jaffy: Sure is nice out today.
he walks to the front door and takes a look around. Crosses arms.
Jaffy: Oh there's that damn bird again. Shoo! Shoo!
throws rock into the air.
Jaffy: Not this time I guess. (marks off a tic) So quiet out here.
walks back inside, turns suddenly on the door
Jaffy: Ah. You have to be fast if you're gonna catch someone sneaking around. I'm still training.
Jaffy: Sure wish that water meter guy would come back. He was pretty funny.
cut to shot of calendar: October 1994.
Jaffy: This calendar should be replaced. (calling out) Are any of you guys going into town this week? (under breath) Ya fucktards...heh.
Ambles across room opens cabinet door, takes out pan. Stares at pan for several minutes, replaces it in cabinet.
Jaffy: Heh...heh...always count on that for a laugh.
Jaffy scribbles down some notes and falls to his knees, clutching his heart.
Jaffy: Well, time for breakfast.
Jaffy opens up a sack of cane sugar and begins hungrily devouring it. Suddenly, a knock on the door. He freezes. His face and stubble are covered in cane sugar.
Jaffy: Hello?
Delivery Man: You, uh, Jaffy, uh, Simpson?
he gets up too fast, stumbles, falls, gets up, opens door
Jaffy: Yeah ya schmuck, are you, uh, blind? read the sign!
Delivery Man: I'm sorry sir. Sign here.
Jaffy (suspicious): What is this shit? I'm not signing anything. This some kinda scam?
Delivery Man: It's just a delivery sheet sir--you sign here, I give you your package.
Jaffy: My package? Who sent you here?
Delivery Man (points to badge): FedEx, sir.
Jaffy: I didn't think you delivered this far out--usually it's UPS.
Delivery Man: We're trying to expand our services sir.
Jaffy: Is it working?
Delivery Man: Well I'm here aren't I?
Jaffy (thunderous laugh, heaven moves): You're alright. Wanna come in and have some sugar water?
Delivery Man: I can't sir, I'm working.
Jaffy: Gimme that.
He signs the delivery sheet and hands it back.
Jaffy (curt) Here.
Delivery Man: I'm sorry sir. Maybe another time.
Jaffy: Sure, whatever.
Delivery Man hesitates. Moves out of sight for a moment. Returns leading a little baby calf on a string.
Delivery Man (handing JS the string): Here you go sir.
Jaffy: What the hell is this?
Delivery: It's a calf, sir.
Jaffy: From who?
Delivery Man: Uh, card says here, Jane Simpson.
Jaffy: That no good liberal farm whore. It's bad enough having her send me vegetables every other week...I can't take this...you take it back to her and you tell her, "How dare you!" Say that to her when you see her.
Delivery Man: I won't see her sir. I only work in the state. This was sent from Washington State.
Jaffy: Well I don't want it.
Delivery Man: That is up to you, sir. Enjoy your package.
Man exits.
Jaffy (to calf): Well you can't live in my house. I keep a clean ship. No animals allowed.
Calf questioningly looks at the layer of filth that covers every area of Jaffy's apartment.
Jaffy (in response): yeah but check out the comics--arranged by release date and by rank in the series. It's an average of the two. (comics are on an island of pristine arrangement amidst a sea of human waste)
Calf urinates on dust outside. Eats a crusty piece of tortilla from the floor.
Jaffy: Oh, gross! Well I'm going inside. I have things to take care of.
he closes door and walks back inside. The calf cries out.
Jaffy (head back in the sack of sugar): Scram!
Calf whinnies a little.
Jaffy crosses back over to door, props it open. Fine, you can watch me inside, but you can't come in.
Jaffy moves his small kitchen table over one foot, looks around room, moves it back in place.
Jaffy: Well that's done.
Deafening silence. A long beat as the calf and Jaffy stare around the place. Somewhere in Ohio, a mosquito bites Mrs. Jane Nickerson while she sits outside with a few friends talking about the addition to the library. She and her friends remark that it seems awfully early in the year for mosquitos to be out. She decides to put on a cardigan because "it's getting a little brisk."

Jaffy walks over to the calf and tries balancing a tea cup and saucer on the calf's head. It falls into the hardpan dirt below and cracks.

Jaffy: Aw, great...just great.
He storms back inside mumbling under his breath.
He looks out the back window and watches a small flint of light reflect off a truck a mile off in the distance.
Jaffy glances over his shoulder at the calf. The calf stomps around in a small circle and leans his head against the trailer.
Jaffy opens up a cabinet. He looks inside for a moment before tearing the cabinet door off the hinges.
Jaffy: Well that's one more thing I have to fix around here now. I should open up a handy-man shop...(louder, in calf's direction) because I'm so good at fixing things.
The calf is a cool customer. Unimpressed.
Jaffy grumbles and goes to work fixing the cabinet door. He tries hammering something into somewhere but it doesn't work. He tapes it to the cabinet several times but each time it falls. He eventually decides to just put it on his "to do" list.
Jaffy: Phew...well that's done.
He brushes his hands off and walks to the door. Squints into the sun.
Jaffy: Hot out here. Must be well over 90.
He walks back inside, gets a glass of water from the sink. Walks back outside, pours it on the calf who does not like it. It stomps its feet and whinnies.
Jaffy (jumps back): Jeez louise...just trying to help a guy out...calm down.
There is a pause. The calf shakes itself out a little, turns its back to Jaffy, begins walking away.
Jaffy: fine, go...yeah...stupid sister of mine is what she is. No good.
The calf walks 10 feet out and walks back in a big circle.
Jaffy tears open his sack of sugar and begins shoveling the crystals into his mouth.
He gets up abruptly and offers his hand to the calf which licks his hand clean.
Jaffy giggles and then coughs.
He offers the calf another handful, then another. He pours the sack of sugar out onto the floor near the doorway and the two go at it, shoving their mouths full of the sweetness. The two eat for what seems like hours. Finally they finish, their bellies full.
The calf urinates on the ground outside.
Jaffy: Ew...wanna come inside?
Jaffy picks up the string and leads the calf into his new home.
There is a knock at the door.
Delivery Man: Hello? Sir?
Jaffy stumbles to the door. Jaffy is probably diabetic due to his sugar-based diet.
Jaffy (blinking): Ma, telephone for you--wha--oh, excuse me...hello. What the hell do you want? (to calf) Probably here to bring me a wife now, huh. Next thing I know we'll be best friends, huh?
Delivery Man: No sir. It's against company policy.
Jaffy: So why did you knock on my door.
Delivery Man: I made a mistake sir.
Jaffy: A mistake?
Delivery Man: Yes sir. I delivered the package to the wrong address.
Jaffy; The wrong address? I'm the only one out here!
Delivery Man: Apparently so.
Jaffy: Well then who were you looking for?
Delivery Man: Number 12, sir.
Jaffy: There is no number 12. Probably just a typo or something. Why would my sister send a package to someone else?
Delivery Man: I don't know sir. Nonetheless, I'll need to reclaim the package until we get can it sorted out back at the office.
Jaffy: What? Well how long will that take?
Delivery Man: About 5 to 6 weeks.
Jaffy: 5 to 6 weeks?!?
Delivery Man: Yes sir. So I'll have to take the package back.
Jaffy (considers): No.
Delivery Man: No? Sir, it's company policy.
Jaffy: I don't care. You can't have the calf.
Delivery Man: Sir, I'm afraid I'm going to have to take it.
Jaffy: You come in here and I'll kill you. How's that?
Delivery Man: Sir, I don't want to call the police.
Jaffy: So don't. I'm warning you: you cross that line and I will kill you. You can't take my friend.
Delivery Man: So are you saying that you're willing to risk personal injury, criminal charges and jail time in order to keep your package?
Jaffy (unsteady, but holding his ground): Yes.
Delivery Man: Well in that case...Jaffy Simpson, consider yourself MELTED!
Jaffy: What the--
A camera crew and several producers appear in Jaffy's doorway clapping. They have balloons and such.
Producer 1: Great job, Jaffy, you were just great.
Camera man 1 enthusiastically gives a thumbs up. Drools a little.
Jaffy: What's going on here?
Producer 2: We're producing a new reality TV series called Melted where we take an embittered soul and MELT THEIR HEART! Jaffy Simpson CONSIDER YOURSELF MELTED!!!!
Producer 3: Great TV, Jaffy. Do you own a TV?
Jaffy (hamming it up): Sure, only it's a sink, not a TV. (into camera) Camera! CAMERA!
Camera man 1 moves back and flicks Jaffy's hand away.
Producer 4: Don't touch the lens.
Jaffy (jovial): So who put you up to this?
Producer 5: Your sister. She said you never write, never call, and live out here all by yourself in the desert.
Producer 6: When we heard this we knew you had to be on the show so we broke in here one night while you were sleeping and installed 36 hidden cameras!
Producer 7: You've been MELTED!! Yeah!!!
Delivery Man: And I'm just an actor! Convincing, no?
The producers high five and congratulate themselves.
Producer 8: Celebrity judge!
Al Roker shuffles into frame.
Al Roker: I thought it was great! I give it...a great!
All celebrate with noise and general fan fare.
Producer 9: Congratulations, Jaffy. You were fantastic.
Long pause.
Camera man 2: Okay, I'm out of tape. Jerry?
Camera man 1: Yep, me too. Just about.
Producers (in unison): Okay, well Jaffy thanks again, we'll send you a tape when its edited.
Jaffy (pointing to a broken microwave): Can I get a DVD instead? Woohoo! Camera! Camera!
Producers: Well we'll be going now. Great job buddy. Oh, almost forgot. We'll have to take the calf back now. (baby voice) It needs to get back to its mommy, doesn't it?
Jaffy's joy balloon deflates and is replaced by Jaffy's budding anger balloon.
Jaffy: What's this?
Producers: (baby voice) We'll need to take back the calfie whaffie.
Jaffy: Okay, first, don't patronize him. He's my friend. Second, no. You can't take him.
Producers: Jaffy, don't do this.
Jaffy: Okay, okay, how's this.
Jaffy slowly runs over to his cabinet, grabs his pan, slowly runs back over to the doorway and tries to strike Al Roker with the pan. His blow is easily deflected.
Producers: Jaffy! No!
Jaffy cannot hear them. He is in a blind rage. He swings and swings, hitting nothing, before he eventually tires himself out. Puffing, he stands before the producers crying.
Jaffy: You...can't...take...him.
Producers: Jaffy are you saying you're willing to murder Al Roker in a blind rage just to keep this calf?
Jaffy (unsteady, but holding his ground): Yes.
Producers: Alright, this sucks and we really hate to do this, but alright. Officers?
Two large police officers enter with their guns drawn.
Jaffy (to the calf): Go hide in the cabinet.
The officers approach Jaffy. Officer 1 puts his hand on Jaffy's shoulder. Jaffy grabs the officer's gun and tries to shoot himself in the face but it doens't work.
Jaffy: What the--
Producer 10 (emerging from thin air snickering): Jaffy Simpson...you've been COPPED!
Jaffy Simpson: Oh boy, not again!
Everyone bursts into laughter.
Jaffy: Who put you up to this?
All eyes on the calf.
The calf grins widely.
Jaffy: You're my best friend.
Producer 11 (eating a small pre-mature baby): Delicious.