Sketch #2

Dan Swanson, aging crooner, pushing 40s, thinning hair, thinning resources.

Velvet curtain opens: Ladies and Gentlemen, Dan Swanson.

(applause)

Dan enters huffing and puffing, sweating profusely.

Dan: Thank you thank you, thanks BE TO GOD!!! Hee-yah! (jump kicks).

Dan begins crying. Dan slaps himself and calls himself a pussy. He stops crying.

Dan: I just want to say that it's been a hard year. Let's see if you can spot this little number--it's a favorite of mine and I hope it's one of yours. My mother ruined my sex life. Hit it boys!

(a band starts up somewhere OS)

Dan: Sometimes you gotta go, where everybody knows your name/And they're always glad you came/you gotta go where everyone goes, the people are all the same, you gotta go where everybody knows your name." CHEERS ladies and gentlemen. Great, great, great. I once met Ted Danson at my ex-wife's wedding. I wanted to tell him I was a big fan, but I was too angry at him for STEALING MY WOMAN!

(applause)

Dan: Thank you, thank you.

Dan almost vomits. Chokes it back. Smiles.

Dan: Ladies and gentlemen, now I'd like to bring out a good friend of mine, a man who's been with me through thick and thin, a man without whom I'd probably be dead! (applause) My stagehand Jason!

(a scraggly looking urchin stumbles on stage, blinking at the lights...his mind is not with us)

Dan hugs Jason tightly. It's awkward. If Jason wasn't so hopped up on whatever it is he ingested he would be able to appreciate the frightening intensity of Dan's hug too.

Dan: Jason, tell the folks how we met.

Jason: I'ma turkey sammich. Gonna fuk shit up ifah dun git my outta MY WAY!!!

Jason tries fighting off the unseen demons and punches Dan in the face.

Dan: Hot damn that smarts!

(applause)

Jason: Gon sticka knife yo ass.

Jason shits himself and begins humming loudly. Like a refrigerator!

Dan: Ladies and gents, my lifelong pal Jason! Give em a round of applause!

(no applause)

Jason shits himself again and hums ever louder.

(roaring applause)

Dan pisses himself.**

(over the applause police sirens can be heard in the background--Dan freezes)

Dan: Guess they found out about daddy's little secret!

(the police sirens pass)

Dan: Phew, false alarm! Alright, for my next act, I'm going to dial my ex-wife and her lover Ted Danson. Jason, my phone!

Jason ambles off stage. Dan is forced to run back and get his phone for his own damn self.
Off stage we hear Dan ask Jason if he's feeling alright and that he should have some water.
Dan reappears on stage.

Dan (on phone): Hello? Who's this? Julia? Oh my...are you Nancy's daughter? Sweety, where is Nancy? Not home? Is Ted Danson there? He is? Could you be a lil' pumpkin and put him on the phone? Muchas gracias you little bean.

Dan mimes furiously eating a steak and really hams it up. Whatta ham! (applause)

Dan: Hey, Ted? It's Dan. Nonono, don't hang up, please. I just wanted to say that i'm really happy for you and Nancy. Yeah, you're welcome--it took a lot of courage for me to admit that I had a problem. And that problem is YOU. Becker was shit!

Dan hangs up. Applause.

Suddenly a SWAT team lead by Jason busts in, slaying Dan in a hail of gunfire.
Mayhem ensues. Mayhem stops. Order is restored. Jason steps up to the mic.

Jason: And there you have it folks! Goodnight!

SWAT Gunman: Nice work, Jason.

Jason: Christ, whatta mess.

Curtain falls.




**At this point in the writing I began laughing like a maniac to myself. What foul one-upsmanship.