BC Trumps BU. Eats Baby.

WORCESTER--This past week the BU Men’s Hockey team fell in a devastating loss to the Eagles of Boston College during the final game of the NCAA Regionals in what many are calling a “soul-crushing sequence of events,” one that has “utterly squashed [my] will to live,” making many fans “question the very fabric of [their] existence.” The contest determined which of the four Northeast regional teams would have the honor of competing in this year’s Frozen Four tournament in Milwaukee, and was not, in many opinions, a true display of the Terriers’ ability this season. When asked to comment, one BU fan simply sighed and shook his head before walking into oncoming traffic.

Although the Icedogs bested the Eagles in four consecutive games leading up to the playoffs, when it really mattered, the Eagles showed up to play. And consume human infant flesh. “Yeah, it’s sorta this weird tradition a few of the older guys started a while back. It seemed to bring us good luck, so we just kept doin’ it,” said sophomore goaltender Cory Schneider. “At first I was all, ‘Ew, no way, that’s a real-life baby! No way am I gonna eat that!’ but after a while you sorta get used to it. I’m at the point now, where having done it for so long, it barely even registers in my mind.” Added junior Forward Brian Boyle, “This one time I punched the baby before I ate it and all the guys were just crackin’ up. Now it’s sorta my thing.”

While some fans view the practice as unorthodox, or worse, illegal, a large majority of BC’s “Superfans” find solace in the ritual. Sophomore Brandon Stevens likens it to a family: “In a family there are certain traditions that you have—like some families eat the same dinner every Christmas, and other families pass down wedding rings from generation to generation. Well, it’s a lot like that, only in this case our players eat a baby before, and sometimes during as well as after, a hockey game. I really don’t see what the big deal is. Besides, who cares about hockey anyway?”

Moments after the final second ticked off the game clock, the sound of students’ cheers could be heard all over campus accompanied by trumpet fanfare and barking dogs. As the students rushed to the quad, senior Marc Livingston commented, “Yeah, it’s pretty sweet that we won I guess—I mean look at this T-shirt. Pretty awesome huh? But I really can’t talk now—we have to hunt down a few babies before the team gets back to campus or they’ll be pretty ticked off.”

When asked for her reaction to her team’s big win, freshman Ashley Lisenco bared her blood-stained fangs and, beating her chest, shrieked into the night air in a blood-curdling display of Boston College fandom. Although the atmosphere was one of quiet terror, the torches held by the students clearly and brilliantly illuminated the excitement in their youthful, predatorial eyes.

“We have to be quiet when we’re hunting babies for the team to eat, because if the parents hear you coming, they usually lock the door or pull out a gun,” said one junior who asked that he remain nameless, not because of a desire for anonymity, but because “the brain-washing really does a number on your short-term memory.”

Coach Jerry York best summed up the team’s season as only Coach York can: “You know, these guys have worked so hard this year—I told ‘em, ‘Win or lose in Milwaukee, you guys can leave knowing that you fought the whole way there.’ I’m just so proud of them—plus, they really love the taste of baby flesh. I mean, what can I say? They’re crazy for it!”