Why Biblical Magi Should Not Be Allowed Access to Time Machines

EXT. BETHLEHEM - NIGHT
Three magi, BALTHASAR, GASPAR, and MELCHIOR, make their way through the desert sand. Each carries a satchel.

BALTHASAR
Look, the star grows bright.

MELCHIOR
We are close.

They walk on in silence for a moment. Then:

GASPAR
Tell us, Melchior, what was the future like?

MELCHIOR
Not so different from the present, really.

BALTHASAR
What is to become of the Child?

MELCHIOR
Oh, forget it. People love the guy. And don’t get me started on us. They call us the Three Wise Men. We’re everywhere. There are even religious celebrations based on us. This? This is a big deal.

GASPAR
Then our suspicions are confirmed. The new Lord is born!

In the distance, a tiny barn glows under the Star of Bethlehem.

BALTHASAR
Come.

CUT TO:

INT. A BARN
Amidst the farm animals, JOSEPH and MARY cradle the BABY JESUS. The Magi enter.

GASPAR
Glory to the new born king!

The Magi kneel in worship.

JOSEPH
Welcome, friends. I am Joseph of the house of David. And this is my betrothed, Mary.

MARY
Hello.

Melchior approaches Baby Jesus’s crib and peers in.

MELCHIOR
A beautiful child. He has his mother’s face.

Mary blushes.

GASPAR
Although the child bares no resemblance to Joseph.

MELCHIOR
Oh, right. Joseph didn’t actually sire the child. She had him through, you know, divine means.

Gaspar and Melchior look to her for confirmation.

MARY
Exactly so! But, how ever did you know?

MELCHIOR
Oh, let’s just call it...an assumption.

Mary and Melchior share a laugh. The others look confused.

MELCHIOR (CONT’D)
No, but seriously, I know a guy who has a time machine. I knew that because I read about this in the future. No big deal.

JOSEPH
Neat.

A beat.

BALTHASAR
We come bearing gifts!

GASPAR
Yes, from exotic lands!

JOSEPH
We are but simple people. We are humbled.

Balthasar opens his satchel.

BALTHASAR
For our new lord, I have carried for him gold!

Balthasar places a hunk of gold in Jesus’s crib. Joseph quickly removes it.

JOSEPH
Sorry. Choking hazard.

BALTHASAR
Oh, right. Of--of course. How careless of me.

MARY
It is a lovely gift. Thank you.

Balthasar bows awkwardly. Next up is Gaspar.

GASPAR
Lord, accept my gift...of myrrh!

With a flourish Gaspar presents a thick ball of goo to Joseph.

JOSEPH
Oh. myrrh.

Mary nudges him.

JOSEPH (CONT’D)
I mean, oh, myrrh! Mary, did you see?

He quickly hands it off to her before she can answer. She accepts it unwillingly.

MARY
Oh, yes. Wow. It smells so...strong.

GASPAR
Used for both perfume and embalming.

Mary shoots him a look.

BALTHASAR
Don't say embalming.

GASPAR (CONT’D)
Uh, it’s also good for your lady parts. Embalming.

BALTHASAR
You said embalming again.

GASPAR
Did I? Gosh, it’s hot in here.

Melchior pats him on the back and Gaspar walks off dejected. Melchior clears his throat.

MELCHIOR
For this most blessed occasion I thought unto myself, what shall I bring the child of God, born unto the lovely Mary? Shall I bring shiny rocks? No. Shall I bring sticky residue? No. For this child, I have carried, all the way from the holiday season of the year 2007, a Nintendo Wii!
Melchior presents Joseph and Mary with a shiny new Wii.

MELCHIOR (CONT’D)
Merry Christmas, little one.

MARY
Christ Mass! Joseph, did you hear?

JOSEPH
Yes, it was very clever.

BALTHASAR
Melchior, what is this thing?

MELCHIOR
It is a Wii.

GASPAR
Yeah, a Wii.

BALTHASAR
Shut up, Gaspar.

MELCHIOR
It’s an interactive gaming system. Got tennis, bowling, anything you want. Back in the future, they’re friggin impossible to get a hold of.

BALTHASAR
But we agreed upon frankincense, gold, and myrrh. And you bring this...device?

MELCHIOR
You’re right, B. This device is useless.

GASPAR
Finally, some sense.

MELCHIOR
Which is why I also brought them an HDTV with converter cables!

He pulls a TV out of his satchel, along with various cables and wires. He dumps them in Joseph and Mary's arms.

BALTHASAR
Stop giving them gifts!

GASPAR
You’re ruining Christmas for Jesus!

MARY
Melchior, your generosity goes beyond our wildest dreams.

Joseph wipes a tear from his eye.

JOSEPH
Thank you, Saintly Magi, thank you.

Melchior beams. Suddenly there is a knock at the door and a MELCHIOR CLONE enters wearing a Santa costume.

MELCHIOR CLONE
Ho! Ho! Ho! Did I hear somebody say Saint Nicholas?

Melchior goes white.

GASPAR
Melchior!

JOSEPH
What is the meaning of this witchery?

GASPAR
Yeah, witchery!

MELCHIOR CLONE
Well, you see, when our pal Melchior here decided to break the space and time continuum, he created two of us in essence. One that existed in the future, him, and one that existed in the past, me.

MELCHIOR
Well you’re too late. I already gave him the Wii.

Joseph has opened the Wii and uses it to milk a nearby goat.

JOSEPH
We love it.

MARY
So does Jesus.

MELCHIOR
See?

MELCHIOR CLONE
Oh, that’s great. A Wii, huh? Wow. Well how about a Playstation Four?

MELCHIOR
Nice try. There’s no such thing.

MELCHIOR CLONE
There isn’t? Oh, then this must be a fake.
The clone pulls out a glowing, futuristic game console. Melchior goes pale.

MELCHIOR
But how--?

MELCHIOR CLONE
Every time you would do something in the future, I would learn from it. I would gain the memory of everything you did in the future without having done it.

MELCHIOR
So you saw...that thing in the motel?

MELCHIOR CLONE
Yeah. You might want to see the apothecary about that.

Mary hands Melchior the Myrrh and points to his groin.

MELCHIOR
Thanks.

MELCHIOR CLONE (CONT’D)
So when I learned you had bought the kid a Wii, all I had to do was go a little further into the future, wait for them to create a new Playstation, and then sneak one back here.

MELCHIOR
I never thought I'd say this about a clone, but I'm impressed.

They shake hands.

Suddenly a THIRD MELCHIOR CLONE comes rushing into the barn, clothes tattered, blood on his hands.

THIRD CLONE
Everyone! Hold everything! I’ve just come back from the year Five-thousand AD and it’s been scientifically proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that God doesn’t exist!

GASPAR
But if God doesn’t exist that means none of this is happening!

The Melchior pats Gaspar on the back.

MELCHIOR CLONE
Gaspar, my friend, you’ve got a lot to learn!

Tucked safely in his crib, Baby Jesus BURPS loudly. Everyone LAUGHS...and laughs...and laughs...

THE END

Scabs!

Because I haven't updated this in a while, and because McSweeneys turned it down. Satire!


The Strike Goes On: Sweeps by Scabs


The strike has Hollywood in a state of suspended creativity (not the creativity!). Fortunately, the strike has opened the doors for a host of new writers, brave men and women who fearlessly cross picket lines in the name of quality programming. Below, synopses of their work.


LOST – “Everybody Dies”

Jack uncovers three seasons worth of island secrets and reveals them to the castaways all at once: the island, it turns out, IS pergatory after all, not to mention that Locke is actually an alien sent to monitor Jack et al., by his supreme intergalactic commander: God. As the credits roll, a bomb explodes, killing only the main characters, leaving behind a bunch of confused, underwritten periphery characters.


DESPERATE HOUSEWIVES – “Fool Me Twice”

The red-headed chick learns that the blonde one has been running an underground slave trading ring. She enlists the old one from Superman to catch her in the act. Using a wide range of spy gizmos, Superman girl tracks down blonde girl in Bolivia. A big gun/karate fight ensues and blonde chick is slain. It is ultimately revealed that she was actually black haired chick’s twin. This is the one with Ben Affleck's wife right?

FULL HOUSE – “The Party”

The gang reassembles after Joey has a near-death experience. Danny makes vulgar jokes about the Olsen twins and everyone talks about how awesome the 80s and its various by-products were. There’s even a flashback in which earlier episodes are featured. The whole thing stinks of forced irony.

ARE YOU SMARTER THAN A GUANTAMO BAY INMATE?

While primarily a live reality/game show, a few writers are needed to craft host Oscar de la Hoya’s banter with the contestants. Additionally, some pre-taped scripted segments are needed to enhance the homosexual tension between Jill, the single mother of two, and Salwa one of the show’s in-house inmates.


TWO AND A HALF MEN – “The Goof, the Bad and the Duvet”

[No noticeable change in writing.]


CSI: MIAMI - “We’re Gonna Need a Bigger Boat”

After a shark fisherman is found slain on his boat, the CSI team must round up every shark in the greater Miami area. Things get complicated when they are forced to consider one of their own, Sgt. Sharke, as a suspect. Friendships are tested, and a new romance is forged.


SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE – Host: Dennis Kucinich

Sketches range from a sassy time-traveling coat once belonging to Søren Kierkegaard, to “Don’t Vibrate for Me Garnagzoola” a musical number involving Kucinich, a UFO, and Andy Samburg as an operatic dildo. A viral sensation is born!

30 ROCK – “Mohammed Mia!”

Liz is confronted by the Arab-American community after a war-on-terror sketch goes hilariously awry. Rachel Dratch guest-stars as a malapropism-prone suicide bomber.


UGLY BETTY – “Ugly Barrista”

Finding corporate life stifling, Betty quits her job in order to write the screenplay she’s always wanted to write. After weeks of procrastinating, she begrudgingly signs up as a barista at Starbucks. While there, she begins attending a writers’ workshop taught by a handsome college professor. Her screenplay is ultimately accepted into a minor LA screenwriting competition, however she is unable to attend the awards ceremony due to a frothed-milk burn.