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Good Morning BU!

Christian and Grace→inane banter.

Cut to sports guy Chris

Chris
Well, I’m sure this week in sports was really exciting, but to be honest I have no idea and at this point couldn’t tell you the difference between the Red Sox and a sail boat. You see, my wife Christie decided I was a “negative influence” on our two young kids—

Christian
Oh, Tyler and Kolbe, love ‘em, adorable.

Grace
Just such delightful children.

Chris
Thanks. Well apparently I’m a deadbeat, so in the middle of the night, Christie managed to dislodge all of the two-by-fours I had on the front door and escape without waking me. Gee, sneaking off like a gypsie in the middle of the night—that’s a real great influence for the kids. What is this, “Not Without My Daughter”? Oh you’re quick Christie, but don’t forget I know where your mother lives. (sobs) I am not Alfred Molina here!

Christian
Great work Chris, thanks! What a funny blooper reel.

Grace
Who knew ducks could rollerblade?

Christian
And how.

(stage hand laughs OS)

Shot of the audience outside the window going nuts.

Christian
Early this morning in the small mid-West town Hanesborough, tragedy descended on the Johnson family. Father Hank Johnson was working on a telephone utility line when his grounding was temporarily cut, sending thousands of bolts of electricity through his body. He died almost instantly.

Audience is visible during this entire segment, oblivious to the tragedy.


Grace
He leaves behind a wife and three young children. This morning with us, we have his widow, Jane. Jane, good morning, thank you so much for being here.

Jane
Hi Christian, hi Grace.

Christian
Jane, walk us through this early morning.

Jane
Well, I, ah, was sleeping. Hank usually leaves on Monday morning pretty early so I didn’t say goodbye to him when he left and he didn’t bother waking me up. It was just a routine maintenance check. So he went to work and I was sleeping and, um…and then…

Grace
And then someone called you saying…

Jane
That there had been an accident…

Christian
Aaaaaand…

Jane
That Hank had been injured.

Grace
Go on…

Jane
And that it didn’t look like he would make it.

Grace (to Christian)
God I can smell the Emmy.
They clasp hands.

Christian
How did your children take it?

Jane
To be honest, I haven’t told them yet…it’s still four AM here and I didn’t want to wake them…they’ll find out soon enough.

Chris
Hey lady, you sure your husband just didn’t sneak off in the middle of the night?

Christian
Chris, really inappropriate. Not cool.

Grace
Not at all. Gosh.

Jane
I really don’t know how I’m going to tell the kids.

Grace
Any tear jerking anecdotes?

Jane
He would have been 40 tomorrow.

Christian mimes a fade-away jumper at the buzzer.

Christian
Jane Johnson, thank you so much for being here with us this morning, we’re so sorry for your loss.

Chris
I appreciate the sympathy guys. I’m drowning in my own sorrow here…

Jane
Thank you Christian, thank you Grace. I’m a big fan. And if it’s not too much trouble, I’d like to invite you to the funeral. Hank was such a big fan too and I know---

She is cut off.

Christian
(holding remote)
Did we lose the satellite signal? Hello. Hello? Jane?

Grace
Darnit.

Christian
Well that’s technology for you folks.

Grace
Mm—iPods. All of it.




Christian
Well it’s 9:05 and that means it’s time to step out and see our man on the street, Jaffy Simpson. Jaffy?

Jaffy
Hey Christian, morning Grace. You’re both looking great and so is this audience

Audience
WOOO!!

Jaffy
Alright folks, who wants to win some cash?!

Audience
WOOO!!

Jaffy
Okay, since Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, we’re going to have a little Valentine’s Day quiz. And today’s contestant is…

Puts his hand into large bowl, pulls out a slip of paper.




Jaffy
…Barbera Schlessinger! Barbara, where are you, you vixen, get down here and let’s win some cash!

Barbara runs into the shot screaming.

Jaffy
Okay Barb, tell the folks at home where you’re from.

Barbara
Green Bay, Wisconsin! Woo!!

Jaffy
What a shit hole! Okay let’s play! I’m going to ask you a series of questions, and for every correct answer, you get $50! First question! In what year--

Barbara
I want to say hello to my aunt Lindsay and grandma Susan. Woo!


Jaffy
Alright, cut. Now you don’t get to play. You’re out.

Barbara
What?

Jaffy
Nope, sorry, no dice. You want to make shout-outs, make a goddamn sign, but don’t waste my time. America’s time. We’re doing a Valentine’s Day Quiz here! Shout-outs need not apply. Get out of here.

Barbara
(tearing up)
But…I slept out here last night to get a spot on the show this morning. The producers said—

Jaffy
The producers said, the producers said. You want some sympathy? Tell your husband to go electrocute himself like that schmuck in Nebraska. Get lost. Back to you in the studio Christian. Who needs a drink…

Chris is sobbing on the ground and has a gun to his head.

Chris
She was all I ever wanted Christian. I have nothing now…NOTHING!

Christian
Chris, just calm down, you’re not making any sense. Just slow down pal.

Chris
You know what doesn’t make sense? Why come God let bad thing happen to good Chris? Why come?!?

Grace
Chris—

Chris
No! You don’t get to say anything! Not any more!
(gestures to camera)
You! Point that thing at me, am I on? Now we’re going to do my own show…it’s called Good Morning Russian Roulette. Grace or Christian, who’s going to play the first round with me? No pun intended!

Christian
(to Grace)
You go.

Grace
Why me?

Christian
Because you replaced my cohost…you’re just as replaceable…the people need me.

Grace
Oh get over yourself. Go cry into your wig.

Christian
It’s not a wig.

Grace
You know what? I quit. (to producer OS) Jamie, you can sell whatever is in my dressing room. This concludes our broadcast. Grace out, bitches!

She exits.

Christian
You walk outta here I’ll make sure…fine, good, GO! Get out! Go back to the women’s prison! See ya, warden!

Chris
(crosses over to Christian)
Come on, Christian, it’ll all be over soon. We’re going to play! Weeee!!!

Christian
Oh. Oh God.

Police helicopters can be heard in the distance. A police officer calls for Chris over a loudspeaker and lights flash. Both react to the impending SWAT bust. The studio lights are cut and a spotlight focuses on Chris. Chris makes Christian hold the gun to his head, Christian tries to stall. Suddenly Chris is shot by a SWAT team sniper, spraying Christian with blood. Christian looks at his hand, sees the blood, gets the reality of it, and begins crying.

Christian
(a broken man)
We’ll be right back.

CHEERY LOGO! GOOD MORNING BU!

GOOD MORNING BU IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY MOUNTAIN SLEW! DO THE SLEW!